


quiet night

by thegirlwithmanynames



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-26 04:29:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1674740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwithmanynames/pseuds/thegirlwithmanynames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a lot she doesn’t tell anyone.</p>
<p>Sasha-centric, manga spoilers up until chapter 36.</p>
            </blockquote>





	quiet night

There’s a lot she doesn’t tell anyone.

It’s strange, really, because to her that’s anathema. Sasha has always been nothing but bluntly honest and truthful about everything; it made her parents laugh when she was young, before her mother died of sickness, but everyone else found it troublesome. She wonders what her friends would think, if they knew how much she was hiding from them — wonders whether they would still be her friends.

It’s not like she’s not  _herself_  around them, because she  _is_ , she always unashamedly has been. But where she comes from is such a large part of why she is who she is, and it seems… _wrong_  to be hiding it. To school herself into speaking stiltedly, strangely, because she doesn’t want them to hear her accent. She doesn’t like that she has to do it.

But she’s scared. Everyone here comes from a district, from a sweet little town with neat houses that she’d never even seen before enlisting in the military. These are the people that are taking over her community’s hunting lands, and she’d hated them before this, but seeing how terrifying everything is out here and how nobody ever seems to have enough to eat has changed the way she thinks. Has made her worrisome and nervous to reveal who she really is, in case they turn on her.

She knows they’re her friends. But would they be, if they knew?

Ymir’s guesses have hit uncomfortably close to the mark, but she doesn’t seem to mind — she only laughs and elbows Sasha in the gut with a warning that she’d better loosen up. It makes it easier for her to be able to talk to Ymir — and Christa, by extension — because of that, but they’re the only ones. She doesn’t even know if Connie’d be all right with it. He’s laidback, and her closest friend in training, but he’s always so open about everything and she’s not sure whether he’d forgive her for lying.

It’s terrifying, almost more so than the idea that in a few short weeks they’ll be graduating and having to pick a branch of the military to sign up for. Not more terrifying than Titans, presumably, but close.

Sometimes, she slips out like she’s done tonight, so that she can sit in her nightgown underneath the stars and pretend like she’s home. The grass tickles the soles of her feet and the dirt is forgiving beneath her toes digging into it, and the cool night breeze plays with her loose hair as she sits with her knees up towards her chest and  _thinks_  and  _worries_. Her father might be looking at the same moon right now, and she’d never know it.

The elaborate stories she’s spinning for herself keep her from noticing someone coming up behind her, but when the figure moves in Sasha’s peripheral vision, her reflexes have her tensing to scurry before she realizes who it is.

"Oh!" 

There’s a beat of silence between them before she continues, “…Mikasa.”

Hers is a name that’s always been difficult for Sasha to pronounce, because it’s unlike any name that she’s ever heard before. She’s heard whispers that it’s to do with the girl’s style of hair, with her  _different_  looks, but Sasha has never known what ‘normal’ in the districts looks like, anyway. It’s the name that’s given her pause these past years, but Mikasa has never seemed to mind the wait.

Mikasa never seems to mind a lot of things, especially calling Sasha out on things she hasn’t done and making sure that she doesn’t overeat when she wants to. It took Sasha until the middle of their second year to realize that the other girl does it to teach the value of a meal that can’t be added to by hunting — to get Sasha’s body used to the potential threat of starvation — and that was when Sasha stopped complaining.

It hasn’t stopped her from stealing extras when she’s in the mood to, though, and in  _those_  cases Mikasa has never stepped in.

She motions beside her, and it’s only then that the other girl sits down. Sasha doesn’t know why Mikasa is out tonight, or why Mikasa’s decided to join her instead of contemplate whatever she’s here for elsewhere, but Sasha doesn’t mind. Maybe company will soothe her worries, even just a little bit.

The silence that settles between them is companionable, but just as Sasha rests her chin on her knees, it’s broken.

"It’s cold out," Mikasa says, and her hands are touching her scarf absent-mindedly when Sasha looks over at her. "We should head back inside, to sleep."

"You just got here!" Her speech is more familiar, now, because she’s tired and doesn’t know why Mikasa would come all the way out here just to say that and maybe a little part of her wants to see what’ll happen if she gets close to admitting she’s been lying all this time. "It’d be unfair, just leavin’ now!"

"We’re here, aren’t we?" comes the quiet answer, and it’s only when she speaks again that Sasha realizes the context. "Life is unfair."

Silence overtakes them again, save for the blowing of the breeze.

"…but worth living."

Brown eyes meet black in surprise. Neither of them are quite sure what to say, but only one of them is brave enough to try.

"Living," Mikasa murmurs, "is difficult enough for us already. Don’t worry yourself over everything. It only weighs you down in the fight."

It doesn’t take a genius to know that she’s not talking about sparring.

"D’you really think that?" Sasha whispers.

"What people think doesn’t matter." Her dark eyes glint with the dim light of the moon, and she continues, "Protect who you are. By any means necessary."

Sasha nods, and, quiet as anything, Mikasa stands. Silhouetted against the sky, she looks more imposing than ever, but before long her hand is extended in offering.

The brown-haired girl takes it and lets her friend help her to her feet, and when she’s settled, she abruptly pulls Mikasa into a hug. It’s a moment before she responds, but Sasha knows she’ll get better with practice.

"Thanks, Mikasa," she says, and this time the name comes easier. Mikasa doesn’t answer, only nods. They walk back to the girls’ barracks together.

That night, Sasha’s sleep is the calmest it’s been in years.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Sasha a lot, and I'd wanted to write about her past ever since I read the chapter, so I thought this was the best way to do it. Hope it turned out all right! :D


End file.
